Back in the 90s, when I was dating around, I was never all that thrilled about walking into smoky bars and feeling like I had to drink just to build up the gumption to approach a stranger.
Did I do it? Sure.
Did it work? Sometimes.
Was it my favorite way to meet someone? Not even close.
Believe it or not, I was actually pretty shy when it came to dating. So, when online dating started becoming a real thing in the mid-90s, I was absolutely thrilled. The idea that I could go online, identify attributes that mattered to me, communicate a little before meeting, and then meet to determine whether there might be a fit. This was a GAME-CHANGER for me.
Not only did it improve the dating scene for me, but it eventually helped me meet my now wife, Lisa.
What I loved most about online dating was the process. It was simply the best way to qualify people before investing too much time.
One time, I had matched with a woman I’ll call Denise. One of the things that mattered most to me was that I wanted to date a non-smoker. I grew up with a smoking parent, and the smell just never worked for me. Nothing against smokers, but it’s not for me.
So, I made that clear in my profile.
When I walked into the bar for our date, I saw Denise before she saw me. She was sitting at the bar smoking a cigarette.
I walked over, introduced myself, and said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I was pretty clear that I don’t date smokers.”
She explained that she had quit for a while, was just having a drink, and had recently started again.
I said, “I appreciate that, but it’s just not a fit for me.”
Then I left.
Was that awkward? Absolutely. Was it a little uncomfortable? Sure. But it saved both of us from pretending something was going to work when it clearly was not.
That is where dating and legal business development have a lot in common.
Your goal with biz-dev is not to meet everyone. It’s not to chase everyone either. Your objective should not be to drag every conversation through three lunches, two coffees, and a golf outing just to discover that the person was never a real fit in the first place.
Your focus is to identify the right prospects and the right strategic partners, determine whether there is mutual value, and decide whether a second “date” makes sense.
Most lawyers waste enormous amounts of time because they do not qualify people in or out early enough.
They meet someone at an event. They grab coffee. Then lunch. Then another coffee. Then they exchange a few emails. Six months later, nothing has happened, and they are confused about why business development feels so frustrating.
It feels frustrating because there is no process.
One of the most important tenets of my Sales-Free Selling™ approach is learning how to qualify people quickly, respectfully, and professionally. Not in a pushy way. Not in a rude way. But in a way that protects your time and theirs.
With a prospective client, you should be asking yourself some basic questions.
Are they the kind of client I truly want? Do they have the kind of problems I solve? Are they financially qualified? Am I talking to the decision-maker? Is there urgency? Is there a reason to move forward?
If those answers are not there, you do not need to force it.
The same is true with referral partners.
Do I like this person? Do I trust them? Do they serve the same types of clients I want to meet? Do they understand what I do? Are they a giver, or are they mostly a taker? Do they have a real network, or do they just enjoy having coffee with other professionals?
That last one matters.
There are a lot of professional coffee drinkers out there. They are nice people. But if they are never going to refer, never going to collaborate, never going to introduce, and never going to move anything forward, you need to know that sooner rather than later.
That does not mean you treat people poorly. It means you stop confusing activity with productivity.
There is another dating story that drives this home.
When I met Lisa, we went on a few dates, and I thought she was great. But I could tell we were not in the same place. She had some things going on in her life, and the relationship was not progressing the way I hoped it might.
So, I did what I would now call a takeaway.
I said, “Lisa, I think we may be in different places right now. I really like you, but maybe it does not make sense to keep moving forward. If things change, feel free to call me.”
Then I stepped away.
A few months later, she called.
From that point on, we never looked back.
The lesson is not that you should play games. The lesson is that sometimes the best way to move something forward is to stop pushing it.
Lawyers do this all the time with prospects.
They over-pursue. They over-explain and send too many follow-up emails. They try to convince people who are not ready, not qualified, or not serious. They keep chasing instead of creating space for the right opportunity to declare itself.
Sometimes you get the business. Sometimes you save the time.
Either one is a win.
The best business developers are not desperate. They are discerning. Most importantly, they QUALIFY to understand the “fit” before investing too much time, money, and energy. They move the right people forward and let the wrong people go without drama.
That is how dating works when you are mature about it.
That is how legal business development works when you are serious about it.
Because the goal is not to fill your calendar. The goal is to build a book of business with the right clients, the right relationships, and the right opportunities.
If you want more resources on legal business development, networking, and building your practice with intention, visit bethatlawyer.com. And if you are a lawyer who wants to learn, network, and grow with other serious business developers, check out bethatlawyer.com/community and learn more about the BE THAT LAWYER™ community.
Steve Fretzin is a five-time bestselling author, host of the BE THAT LAWYER and Future Rainmakers podcasts, and a business development coach who works exclusively with attorneys. For more than 18 years, he has helped lawyers build strong books of business without selling, pitching, or chasing, using his proven Sales-Free Selling™ approach. His clients consistently become top rainmakers and credit his coaching and systems for driving meaningful, measurable growth. Steve can be reached directly at steve@fretzin.com, or through his website at bethatlawyer.com. Connect with him on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/stevefretzin. His ALL NEW BE THAT LAWYER Community is changing how lawyers develop the skills never taught in law school. Learn more at bethatlawyer.com/community.
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